


It's Always You

by FormidableChronicler



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Author is emotional, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Dum-E - Freeform, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Lots of Angst, Pepper Potts Needs a Hug, Pepperony - Freeform, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Sad, The Stark Lakehouse, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, because its sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 03:52:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FormidableChronicler/pseuds/FormidableChronicler
Summary: Avengers: Endgame Spoilers!Pepper deals with life after the battle.





	It's Always You

**Author's Note:**

> ENDGAME SPOILERS, ENDGAME SPOILERS, ENDGAME SPOILERS!!!
> 
> Still here? I"m a mess. I wrote this as a way to deal with my own feelings, because watching the ending of Endgame was a LOT for me. I'm still crying. So this is probably a rambling mess, but it helped me feel better getting it out.
> 
> This is for any of you who are feeling just as lost and heart-broken as me--and Pepper.
> 
> (There are times when she has problems dealing with what happened in the form of an anxiety attack. Please take care if that makes you upset further)

At first, they were always there.

Rhodey and Happy were her constants. That was never doubted. She knew from day one—from that first press conference, that first announcement as Iron Man—that if this day came, Rhodes and Happy would be there. At the time, she didn’t realize how much she’d need them. Didn’t realize she’d be pathetically grateful for the two other people who knew Tony so well. Who could mourn the loss of the sarcastic man that liked to work on old cars and tease the people he cared about endlessly—long before he became Iron Man. They'd circled her, Tony's friends. Been there for her and Morgan, had never considered doing otherwise.

But she wished they didn’t have to be. God, she wished _so much_ that they didn’t have to be.

It was the rest of the Avengers that were always there, at first. Bruce, of course, and Steve. Clint and Laura and the kids, were great. Thor and his strange but lovable friends, and Scott and Hope and Stephen Strange. Plus, Sam and Bucky and Wanda. None of them left after the funeral, keeping her and Morgan company at the lake house, filling the house with laughter amongst the tears.

But even with the company, it didn’t lessen the dark part of her heart that she knew would never shine again. That fact that two of the voices she needed the most weren’t there killed her, a little more every day. The reason for the funeral was horrible enough, but losing Natasha...she’d been Pepper’s rock until Tony and Nebula appeared from space. Her friend for much longer before that. Natalie Rushman wasn’t real, but the friendship that started when she’d posed as Pepper’s PA had been.

Nat wasn’t there to hold Pepper up this time. And she wasn’t sure how she could keep going on her own. How could she, without her person? Maybe now she had more people in her life, maybe she wasn’t completely alone. But...

In the end it didn’t change a damn thing.

Because she’d lied, and now she couldn’t stop. There was no way out, at this point. She’d have to keep the lie up until the day she died herself.

_We’re going to be okay. You can rest now._

But how could she have told him know the truth? She couldn’t tell him that she would never be okay again—-that there would never be a day she wasn’t in mourning, wasn’t silently screaming that this shouldn’t have happened, he should _never_ have been the one chance in millions to save the universe. Not when he had already given so much.

Not when he was lying there, half turned to ash because of the gauntlet and the stones. Not when the bright spark that always flashed out of those bright brown eyes was dimming. She couldn’t tell him the truth while he suffered, while he tried to hold on.

While he died.

So she uttered the lie.

And now she had to live with it.

If it had just been for Morgan, she could have easily done it. Pepper would have walked through fire for her little girl—-her sweet, baby girl who looked so much like Tony it brought Pepper to tears at night when the dark-haired head curled onto her shoulder.

Just like her father used to.

Since the final defeat of Thanos, Morgan had slept with Pepper every night, and Pepper didn’t care. If Morgan was still sleeping with her when she was a teenager, Pepper _still_ wouldn’t care—-she’d be there for Morgan as much as she could for as long as she could.

And when Morgan was there, curled around Pepper, the aching awareness that the other side of the bed was cold and empty wasn’t as excruciating.

Time passed by, as time does, and one by one the Avengers started dispersing, going back to their own lives.

Except for one.

The third weekend in a row Peter Parker appeared, Pepper didn’t even question it. She just grabbed the plates of spaghetti she’d kept warm for him and his aunt, and set it out so he and May could have dinner with her and Morgan.

It had gone well until she went to clear the table and Peter followed her into the kitchen.

“Mrs. Stark? Ma’am? Can I—-do you think it would be alright if I took Morgan down to the lab?”

The plate she’d been washing slipped back into the sink. The lab. God, even she hadn’t gone down to the lab, where she knew, she _knew_ she would expect to see Tony grin brightly at her from working on a car, or deep in repairs on an Iron Man suit, or...

Pressing the tips of her fingers to the middle of her eyebrows, Pepper took several deep breaths, keeping her face turned to the kitchen wall and said, “I don’t know if it’s a good idea, Peter.”

“I know, I know, it might upset her. Happy told me about the nightmares. I just thought—-it might help? Mr. Stark was always in his labs and maybe if she can go to where he was himself the most...Mrs. Stark? Are you okay? I—-You know what, never mind. I’m sorry, Mrs. Stark. I’m so sorry.”

 _Lie,_ her mind begged. _Lie, lie, lie._

“It’s fine, Pete.” Turning around, she kept the smile she’d perfected during dozens of board meetings on her face. “Maybe just see if she’d like to take a walk or get an ice-pop, okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. The grief echoing in his eyes was too much, so Pepper turned back to the dishes.

“I just thought she might like to see Dum-E,” he said quietly. “But a walk would be better. I’ll take Happy with us. We’ll have her back soon.”

“Thanks, Pete,” she managed. _Breathe_ , Pepper ordered herself, gripping the the edge of the sink. Breathe. Don’t think about the labs. Don’t think about Dum-E—-who according to FRIDAY hadn’t left his charging station since Tony’s death. Don’t think about sleepy Tony in the lab, maniacally working on a project but smiling sweetly when you hand him coffee. Don’t think about sleep-tousled hair, and teasing, knowing hands. Don’t think about the way those calloused hands could be so gentle, how they could hold you as if you’re the most precious thing in the world, and gently cradle your daughter for hours the first morning of her life---the smile on his face banishing all of the sleep-deprivation and pain birthing her caused.

Don’t think about Tony with Morgan, and Love You 3000. Of finding them snuggled up on a couch together or guiltily hiding ice pop sticks at ten pm because Tony could never say no to late night snacks with his daughter. He caved every time.

Don’t think about Tony dying, don’t think about lifeless eyes, don’t think about if he was in pain while they’d said their goodbyes, if he was burning from the inside out while they tried to tell him they loved him....

“Pepper.”

Don’t think about Tony Stark having a heart, don’t think of that heart shattering, sputtering out, while he traded his own life and happiness for the safety of billions of others.

Why couldn’t it have been Steve, why couldn’t it have been Thor, why why why, someone else could have handled it, someone who wouldn’t have been destroyed so horribly by the gauntlet, why hadn’t Strange seen _them_ —-

Don’t think about Tony in pain, don’t think about lying to him, don’t think about him _dying_ —-

Don’t think, don’t think, don’t think....

“Pepper.”

Arms wrapped around her—-too small to be Happy, too soft to be Rhodey. Natasha? No, that wasn’t right, Natasha was gone too. Don’t think about that either, she ordered herself. Don’t think about Nat hurtling off a cliff, God, don’t think about how alone she must have felt...

“ _Pepper_.”

May. That was May’s voice, May’s arms wrapping around her, holding her in the floor. When had she fallen to the floor, how did—-

“Breathe, Pepper.” May was firm, and Pepper’s body obediently dragged in a breath. She was—-she was crying. No, she was _sobbing_ , when had she started to do that, how had that happened?

“Good. That’s good,” May said, and rubbed circles on Pepper’s back, like Tony used to...

“I told him we would be okay,” Pepper sobbed, the truth exploding out of her. She should have kept it in, she should have kept up the charade, but she needed to tell someone, _anyone_ and now that she started, she couldn’t stop. “But I’m not, May, oh God, I’m NOT...”

The sobbing was worse, and her head roared, pounding with the despair and fear that had she’d been hiding back from the moment she pressed a kiss to the love of her life’s still form.

“I know,” May murmured, and she shifted so Pepper was fully leaning on her now, so that Pepper’s tears soaked her blouse.

“It shouldn’t have been him,” Pepper gasped, trying to get herself under control, trying to make her chin stop wobbling, her face stop crumpling. “It shouldn’t have been him.”

_You're going to get yourself killed, Tony. I'm not going to be a part of it._

But she had. She’d let him, they’d all let him, make one last sacrifice play. Because that was the thing about Tony Stark, that no one but she and Rhodey knew. He’d make it, every time. He was never the one to look a bad deal in the eye and let someone else take the blame. He’d done it every other time the world had almost ended.

But there was no coming back this time.

“We were h-h- _happy_ ,” Pepper cried, and the truth of it ripped out of her, the words she’d been trying to keep buried rocketing out. The Decimation had gutted the universe, had devastated millions, but she’d had Tony, and they’d had Morgan and they had been _happy_.

“I know,” May said again, and this time when Pepper let out a sob, she felt another pair of arms hold on to her, another dark haired head—so similar to the two she loved so much—-join them on the floor, and then Peter Parker was crying too.

“I’m so sorry, Mrs. Stark. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Peter,” Pepper managed, pulling the kid in close, knowing that if anyone had a clue to the amount of grief wrecking through her, it was Peter. She could say the lie one more time. “It’s going to be okay.”

 

 

 

“FRIDAY, pull up Tony’s last video.”

“Are you sure, Mrs. Stark?”

No. But she had to face it sometime. “Yes, FRIDAY. Please.”

And there he was. Just as she’d seen him before the last battle: sleepy, but confident, hair rumpled a bit from running a hand through it repeatedly.

Oh, Tony. 

_“Everything’s gonna work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Love You 3,000.”_

A soft chirp at her side—-Dum-E was heading toward the image of his creator, arm drooping sadly, as if he already knew it was an image and Tony wasn’t really there.

“Dum-E.” Gently, Pepper laid a hand on his arm. Then she looked at Tony and took a deep breath. She could do this. May said talking out loud sometimes helped. 

She could do this.

“It’s been twenty-three days since you died. Peter and May are here again, and Morgan is asleep in our bed. Rhodey’s been telling her stories again, and for the moment he’s sitting with her while I’m down here. This is the first time Dum-E’s left his charging station. Happy has been falling for May, which I think is sweet, but I’m not sure Peter will feel the same. Bruce is somewhere in the city with his fans, and the company isn’t doing too bad, all things considered.”

Pausing, Pepper took a moment, before continuing, “Peter would like to come down to the lab. I doubt you would mind, so I’m going to give him access, with FRIDAY acting as a supervisor so he doesn’t blow anything up. Not like the lab isn’t used to that,” she laughed. But then, because it was true, her heart squeezed painfully and tears once again blurred in her eyes as memories swept over her.

_“Are those bullet holes?!”_

_“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”_

Letting go of Dum-E, Pepper reached up to grasp her necklace—the one that held a piece of the shrapnel that had once tried to pierce Tony’s heart. And with the memory of him gently placing the necklace around her neck, she let the tears fall, and stated the words she’d said each night since Tony Stark saved the world, and left her behind.

“When I dream, Tony, it will be of you.”

_“Will that be all, Mr. Stark?”_

_“That will be all, Ms. Potts.”_

“It’s always you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, God. I am just so, so, sad. Watching Tony Stark die was a LOT for me. And while I enjoyed Endgame and really do think they handled it well, I've loved Tony and admired RDJ for the last ten years and I just...
> 
> I guess I just needed to know that I'm not alone in my heartache. So if you need a hug, let me know in the comments because I just...well. In the words of Tony himself, I'm a piping hot mess. 
> 
> I'm going to go read 2012 Avengers fics where everyone is happy and alive and living in the Tower together, because right now I need it. Feel free to shout out your favorites in the comments! 
> 
> Love You 3000, lovelies <3


End file.
